Once Upon A Time
by NerdySkeleton
Summary: Skulduggery Pleasant and his friends never seem to live in a nice fairy tale world, and never get a "happily ever after" ending. Let's change that, shall we? Crack and normal pairings. Updates are erratic. Reading and reviewing is much obliged :D
1. In A Land Far, Far, Far Away

This was an idea that came to me when I was waiting for my bus one morning. I was just thinking about fanfiction in general, and thinking about how to incorporate plot ideas into my stories, when I thought of this.

I enjoy this idea to great amounts, but there's no telling how often I'd get to write anything for it. This is not an official story, but more like a drabble/oneshot series, like I already have. I've decided that this will just sort of be something fun I can work on for kicks, like when I get bored. I won't abandon other stories, no sir, as this is the last priority.

This will incorporate the old fairy tales (Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, etc.) but I'll be using the SP characters. All pairings – crack and normal can and will be used here (like Dusk as Cinderella, and Sanguine as the prince or something).

If you have any suggestions for fairy tales (besides the super obvious ones) then I'd love to hear them. And, you may request something, telling me what fairy tale, and what pairing(s) – if any.

So…Yeah. Go on over a page and read the first installment! I'd love to know what you think.

:D


	2. Sleeping Beauty

"What, is she in a coma?" Prince Fletcher asked lazily. "I've heard of that weirdo lazy kingdom next door. All that princess does there is _sleep_. I love sleep as much as the next in line for the throne, but seriously, asleep for one hundred years? That seems a little unhealthy."

Prince Fletcher's father, King Skulduggery, frowned at his son. "Someone told me you have to go kiss the princess because then something neat would happen. Some fairy who threatened to attack me with her tiny sword. Now go." He pointed his royal finger out the door. Prince Fletcher scowled at his father, and his mother, Queen China, but he dragged himself out of the grand castle and moseyed on over to the neighboring kingdom. He met his father's _trusted_ adviser, Lord Serpine.

"Good _evening_, Prince Fletcher," he hissed. Lord Serpine did that a lot. "What bringsyou to be out on this fine evening?"

"I have to go kiss a comatose princess," Prince Fletcher grumbled. "I don't wanna."

"I'd be _happy_ to take over for you, Prince Fletcher," Lord Serpine murmured, tapping his fingers together evilly.

"Thanks for offering, but it's all good man," Prince Fletcher replied, waving Lord Serpine away. Lord Serpine scowled and seemed to slither off. He adjusted his bright red gloves and groaned in frustration.

Prince Fletcher carried on, heading through the woods and into a dense forest. He came across Professor Grumpy Troll. He was renowned for his grumpiness…and his troll-ness.

"Hey there Professor Grumpy Troll," Prince Fletcher greeted him. "You don't look a day over three hundred."

"Well guess what!!" Professor Grumpy Troll shouted. "I'm six hundred! Now get out of my forest!!" he bellowed. Prince Fletcher darted away, trying his best to heroically jump over bushes and branches, but he kept falling on his face. Professor Grumpy Troll wasn't a very nice troll, Prince Fletcher decided. But he did make a mean margarita. Oh, he also could heal decapitations, but that's not important.

Prince Fletcher reached the neighbor castle and knocked on the grand doors. Two knights came to the entrance and permitted him entrance.

"Howdy!" one knight said. "I'm Sir Sanguine!" he grinned goofily from beneath his helmet.

"And I am Sir Dusk," the other knight whispered, bowing low. "How can we assist you today?"

"I'm supposed to go kiss the princess because she needs to get her lazy butt out of bed. So yeah."

Sir Sanguine and Sir Dusk nodded and let him through, both bowing deeply. Prince Fletcher nodded at the two knights, then bounded up the stairs to the Princess Chamber, as Sir Sanguine called it. He pushed open the door and groaned. The princess was so _messy_! Prince Fletcher would have expected her to at least _clean _up every once and a while.

He stepped over the clothes and books strewn across the floor, and then knelt down at the bed. Princess Valkyrie looked peaceful in her sleep, though she didn't look so pretty. Her hair was a huge mess, and the blankets were all tied and strewn around her. She was wearing a huge poofy dress, which Prince Fletcher deemed impractical for wearing to bed.

Anyway, he bent down and kissed Princess Valkyrie on the lips lightly. Her dark eyes fluttered open, and she immediately slapped Prince Fletcher.

"SEXUAL HARASSER," she shouted.

"WHAT DID I DO?" he shouted right back.

"You kissed a defenseless woman!" Princess Valkyrie screamed, hopping from the bed, and almost falling over her big poofy dress. "Fairy Tanith you didn't say this would happen!"

Suddenly, a small creature appeared out of thin air. She had a small sword in her tiny little hand, with a sparkling star on the end. It shot out sparks at random points. "I said he'd do that!" she shouted. Prince Fletcher only assumed it was Fairy Tanith.

"You so didn't!" Princess Valkyrie shouted and waved the fairy away. Fairy Tanith scowled, but stomped away in mid-air, the sparks shooting from her sword like crazy now.

"So…" Prince Fletcher again. "Now that you're awake, General Ghastly of the Royal Army of Royal Ireland wants us to get married. Something about Lord Serpine. He kept saying that his magical-wizard-friend-man-thing Finbar had predicted that Lord Serpine would go all psycho and kill my father, so General Ghastly of the Royal Army of Royal Ireland wants us to get hitched _super_ fast. Sound good?"

Princess Valkyrie considered it a moment, but finally nodded. "If I get a dog, I'll be happy," she said.

"A dog can be rearranged."

And together, Prince Fletcher, Princess Fletcher, Sir Sanguine, and Sir Dusk walked off unceremoniously in the sunset, careful not to stumble across Professor Grumpy Troll.

And they all lived happily ever after…


	3. The Little Mermaid

Prince Billy-Ray Sanguine sniffed the salty air and breathed deeply. He _loved_ the sea. Something about how it whistled obnoxiously in his ears appealed to him.

His trusty assistant, Vaurien Scapegrace, however, did not enjoy the sea. He was holding a bucket and kept continuously puking into it, but that's beside the point.

Prince Billy-Ray played with the small kitchen knife he had swiped. It had his initials engraved on it. He was flipping it from hand to hand, when it suddenly slipped from his grasp and fell into the sea! He groaned and kicked the wooden ship he was sailing on, and figured he'd never find it.

But little did he know, that _down_ below the surface, a skeletal crab was singing an ode to the sea, in the style of a waltz. It was actually very boring. His young charge, Tanith the Mermaid, was sitting on a rock, counting the petals of a flower. Her friend, Valkyrie the Koi Fish, was beside her, counting how many bubbles that were in the sea.

Suddenly, Tanith screamed.

The skeletal crab, named Skulduggery-Sebastian II, scurried over to her and asked frantically what was wrong. He watched as Tanith the Mermaid reached up and patted her blonde hair. Her hand pulled back, revealing a shiny, silver object. She read the three letters that were engraved on the side: B-R.S.

"I'M GOING TO MARRY WHO OWNS THIS," she announced loudly. Skulduggery-Sebastian II was too slow of a swimmer, and couldn't catch up to her when she bolted away, using her strong fin to carry her across the sea. Valkyrie the Koi Fish shot after her, her strange black color only a tiny streak in the sea.

"Tanith the Mermaid!" she called out. "Wait!"

Tanith the Mermaid stopped only a moment to let Valkyrie the Koi Fish catch up with her. "I just _know_ that I'm going to marry the owner of this…bowling ball," she said, deciding on a name to call the mysterious object. "This bowling ball…It's beautiful. Someone who owns this just _has_ to be as attractive as this!"

Valkyrie the Koi Fish gave her a strange look. "Okay, I think your deprived of oxygen," she muttered, reaching out to grab her friend on the arm. "WOAH WHAT'S THAT?"

They both looked up at the surface, and saw a huge, dark shape gliding across the water. Tanith the Mermaid took off at lightning speeds to the top, just in time for Skulduggery-Sebastian II to finally get to them. He shouted a profanity that is _too_ inappropriate for this story to be printed at his young charge. Valkyrie the Koi Fish allowed Skulduggery-Sebastian II to climb on her back, and together they went and followed Tanith the Mermaid to the surface. The three of them bobbed up above the surface and stared at the moving object. Tanith the Mermaid, Valkyrie the Koi Fish, and Skulduggery-Sebastian II each climbed up on the side of the ship (do not ask how) and watched through a small window.

"Don't ya love it, Scapegrace?" Prince Billy-Ray asked to his assistant. Scapegrace opened his mouth, but instead puked into the bucket again. "I was thinking the same thing, Scapegrace!" Prince Billy-Ray replied to the retching sounds.

"He's weird," Skulduggery-Sebastian II mused.

Valkyrie the Koi Fish shrugged (somehow). "Tanith the Mermaid said she'd marry whoever owned the bowling ball."

"The what?"

"She named it," Valkyrie the Koi Fish said.

Tanith the Mermaid sighed angrily. "Nevermind," she said discouragingly, "he's not attractive."

"I think he's kind of cute," Valkyrie the Koi Fish said.

Tanith the Mermaid shrugged. "I don't think he's that good looking. If he'd lose those weird earrings on his face…"

"Earrings?" Skulduggery-Sebastian II asked.

"Those big black things on his face!" Tanith the Mermaid exclaimed. "They're earrings!"

Both Valkyrie the Koi Fish and Skulduggery-Sebastian II nodded in understanding.

"Anyway," Tanith the Mermaid sighed, "let's go. I don't really care anymore. He's not good-looking."

The three sea creatures dived back into the ocean. A few years later, Tanith the Mermaid came across another bowling ball, and she _did_ end up marrying the man who owned that. The initials on the bowling ball this time were G.B. She asked the ugly Sea Hag to turn her into a human, and the Sea Hag did so begrudgingly. She also turned Valkyrie the Koi Fish and Skulduggery-Sebastian II into humans as well, because they forced her.

Together the four of them lived happily ever after in G.B.'s inexplicit castle.


	4. Swan Princess?

Valkyrie Cain felt strangely drawn to the swan at the annual fall festival held at her school every year. She felt a ~connection~ to it.

The swan was a male, and a persnickety thing at that. He had dark white – okay, gray – feathers on his body and wings, and stubby and battered feet. His beak was dark orange, and seemed to be in sad condition as well. His eyes were beady, like his senses were in overdrive _all the time_. The feathers around the eyes were a darker gray – okay, black – and a few had been plucked out, leaving small patches around his eyes to be visible.

Valkyrie bent down with some of that disgusting animal food available at petting zoos that require a quarter and stretched her hand out to the swan. The swan hesitated, but reached out and pecked at the food, swallowing a few pieces of whatever-the-heck-that-stuff-is. He eagerly picked at her hand and the food again, making her giggle, which was just weird.

"Come on, Valkyrie!" Skulduggery Pleasant, her adopted-uncle called to her. "Your actual uncle is wondering where you are." She nodded and fed the swan the rest of the food, but had a sudden idea. She glanced around for a moment, picked up the swan, and then stuffed him in her coat. She lumbered over to her adopted-uncle and announced she was ready.

"Are we smuggling drugs now, adopted-niece?" Skulduggery asked jokingly.

Valkyrie laughed uneasily. "Ha, ha, very funny, adopted-uncle." The two of them climbed into the beautiful, recently bought Toyota car. Skulduggery revved the engine, and they suddenly lurched forward in the car. Skulduggery hit the brakes.

"Strange," he mumbled, "it seemed to accelerate without command." Valkyrie frowned beside him, but not because of their near car wreck. No, she had frowned because the swan she had stuffed in her coat was nipping at her sides. It quite tickled, really. Valkyrie always thought swans were creepy, violent creatures, that bit people until submission! Turns out, they like to tickle.

Adopted-Uncle Skulduggery dropped his adopted-niece Valkyrie off at her real uncle's house, Uncle Gordon. Uncle Gordon wrote scripts for movies that had zombies where everyone died. He was a loving man.

Valkyrie went up to the room where she would sleep when she stayed there on occasion, and she let the swan out from her jacket and stared at him for a moment.

"Hi," she said. Then she mentally slapped herself. Swans can't talk, now can they?"

"Hello," the swan _answered_. Valkyrie shrieked and jumped back a few feet away, but the swan stretched his wings out and flew up closer to her. "When the clock strikes 6:13 PM I'll be human again," he whispered. Valkyrie glanced at the clock.

6:12 PM, it read. She frowned. The two sat in an awkward silence for that remaining minute. Suddenly, the swan's feathers began to melt away, and the swan was enveloped into a shimmering ball of light that was the color of blood. The light faded, and a man stood where the swan once did.

"I am Vaurien Scapegrace," the man-swan said, bowing low. Valkyrie gave the man-swan a weird look. "What, do I have something on my face? Is there a feather in my hair? I HATE THESE FEATHERS." He began frantically picking at his hair and clothes, trying to get rid of the dark white – okay, gray – feathers that had been on his bird form. When he realized that there were _no _feathers, he stopped, and Valkyrie was able to get a good look at him.

This man-swan named Vaurien Scapegrace was tall and lean, but not in the attractive way. He had a boyish looking face, with sad puppy-dog eyes the color of…mud. He had a few bruises that left faint purple marks on his face, a crooked nose, a few bandaged fingers, and his hair was shaggy and_ greasy_.

"You're weird," Valkyrie stated.

The man-swan named Vaurien Scapegrace smiled sheepishly. "I get that a lot, actually," he mumbled. "No one seems to _understand_ meeeeeee," he lamented loudly. "I feel that my _art_ is too radical for the common people. They don't see the giiiiift it hoooolds."

Valkyrie changed her mind. She did _not_ feel drawn to his swan.

She got up and stepped on the man-swan's foot, who then howled with pain, but he seemed to squawk it instead. He flapped his arms like the swan he was just a minute ago, then took off at a run and he jumped out the window. Valkyrie stared, stone-faced down as the man-swan named Vaurien Scapegrace scaled down the back of the brick house miraculously.

He jumped down on the ground, and then took off running, falling down on his face multiple times. Valkyrie stared as he bolted down the road, and suddenly, an old man appeared before the man-swan named Vaurien Scapegrace. He shook an old, withered finger at him, and then began shouting at him, but Valkyrie couldn't hear what they were saying. The old man took hold of the man by the neck and led him down the road.

Valkyrie Cain never saw the man-swan named Vaurien Scapegrace again, and she assumed he had lived a happy ever after.

But just between oneself and I, he really didn't.

* * *

Inspired by the kind of fanfiction war that Fletcher Renn and Vaurien Scapegrace were having on Facebook.


	5. Hansel and Gretel

"Why are you using the bread from _my_ sandwich?" Fletcher whined. "I didn't eat breakfast because Mommy Tanith made me wash the cow, and I _hate_ washing the cow."

"You got us lost in the woods in the first place!" Valkyrie snapped, throwing a piece of bologna at her brother. "I tried to stop you, but noooo, you had to go take a scenic walk as you ate your freaking sandwich!"

"It looked nice!" Fletcher shot back at his sister. "It's nice weather and the trees are blooming and stuff! So shut it."

Valkyrie glared at him and almost threw the wet and slimy tomato at her brother, but she stopped when they suddenly came to a clearing. There was a sad, shabby looking house sitting there.

"Has that always been there?" Fletcher whispered. Valkyrie shrugged and took a step into the soft grass. It didn't rise up and eat her, so that was a good sign. She beckoned her brother forward, and he did so begrudgingly. They walked up to the rickety steps together. Valkyrie took the first step, and she ended up dragging Fletcher up the rest of the way. Yeah, all three steps.

Fletcher knocked on the door after being threatened by Valkyrie to throw him into a tree. The aged wooden door creaked open loudly and a shriveled man appeared. He had a small beard on his small china, wavy blond hair, and a long and tattered cloak. His nose was pointy, like a knife, strangely enough.

"Hello," the man said. His voice was high and obnoxiously squeaky for a fully-grown male. "You must be _exhausted_, children! Do come in! I'll get you something to eat!"

He grabbed their hands and pulled them into the untidy house. There were bowls and plates everywhere. Fletcher stepped on a spoon, even! Pictures of random people were hung on the walls; old-fashioned pictures, but also modern ones. There were girls in dresses and in suits (why, no one was sure) and then there were guys shaking hands with other guys and tossing footballs everywhere.

"Are these your family members?" Fletcher asked rather rudely.

"Oh, sort of," the man replied. "I didn't catch your names!" he shouted suddenly. "I'm Remus Crux."

"I'm Fletcher," Fletcher obvious said, "and this is my sister Valkyrie." They both waved uncomfortably as Crux busied with a boiling pot of water. This pot was pretty much as big as a whale.

"Are you going to take a bath in there?" Fletcher muttered mostly to himself, but Valkyrie heard, and she snickered. Another snicker followed _her_ snicker, which caused the siblings to shout out.

"Sorry about that," came the voice. "Hey! Down here!" They looked down at the table by an old and gross couch, where a skull was sitting. It seemed to be staring at them. "No staring," it said, "it's creepy."

Both children screamed, but Crux didn't take any notice.

"The skull, Valkyrie! It TALKED," Fletcher shouted. He gripped Valkyrie's shoulders and shook her. He also grabbed her face and pointed it at the skull.

"I KNOW," Valkyrie shouted back. "It creeped me out too!"

"I am not an _it_," the skull said, irritated. "I am a _he_." The head seemed to do a little dance on the table before stopping to stare at the kids. "I _was_ known as Skulduggery Pleasant, but then Crux kind of…went psycho."

"Psycho?" Valkyrie asked quietly. She was trying to be discreet about it, since Crux was wandering around the house, tying an apron around himself.

"He ate me," Skulduggery replied.

Fletcher nearly fainted. "Like…a cannibal!?" he screamed.

"Hmm?" Crux said, coming towards them. "Are you talking to a skull?" he asked sweetly, like when talking to a baby. "Aww, how adorable." His mood suddenly changed. "Now. Please climb into the pot, since this stupid skeleton has let my secret out."

Fletcher had a disgusted look on his face, while Valkyrie was staring at him. He stared back at her. She stared back harder. He stared back harder. She stared back even harder. He was about to stare back ever harder than she was staring back, but Fletcher suddenly gave out a war-cry type thing and slapped Crux across the face. Crux stumbled back, then regained himself, but Fletcher, Valkyrie, and Skulduggery were already out of the house and running out of the clearing. Crux was calling towards them, whining and complaining, but he didn't leave the house.

Valkyrie was carrying the skull in her hands, following the bread crumb trail she had made. Skulduggery was whistling a happy tune happy he had been freed from the EVIL Crux's hands. But Fletcher was complaining about his lost sandwich. He really had been hungry.


	6. Hunchback of Notre Dame

Requested by the ever lovely **Skulduggery Skellington**, who is hilarious when it comes to things about Dark Days.

:D

And I warned ya'll…There would be crack pairings!

* * *

The beautiful gypsy woman known as Madame Sorrows awoke in a straw bed, with her straight hair an unusual curly mess. She sat up slowly, taking in her surroundings. Everything around her was a wooden beam, it seemed. She cringed and made a terribly hilarious grimace at the sound of loud, chiming, ringing bells.

_Ding, Dong, Ding, Dong…_

The sound rang out, and Madame Sorrows heard loud and clumsy footsteps. She stood up to greet whoever had saved her from being killed. She was utterly shocked to see a man limp through the room.

He was lean and incredibly skinny, and Madame Sorrows _had_ to wonder _how_ he survived. He must have been only bone! He had a thick head of raven colored hair, and it stuck out in odd directions and covered half of the man's face. His body was hunched, and Madame Sorrows began to think this man had a…hump of sorts. The man's clothes were torn and bloodied in some places. She could barely see a pale, chalk-white hand.

"Glad you're awake," the man said.

Madame Sorrows paused. "Yeah…when did I even go to sleep?"

"You fainted," he said pointedly.

"Oh." She paused again. "Did you catch me?"

"Yes."

"Well thank you."

"Don't mention it."

"Where are we?"

"Notre Dame Cathedral," the man replied, leading her over to the edge of the building so she could peak out. Madame Sorrows did so, and she noted that it _did_ look like they were in the beautiful church.

"Who are you?"

"The bell-ringer," the mystery man said sadly. "I have been charged with this task because of my…form."

Madame Sorrows frowned and reached out to touch his hunched shoulder, but he drew back and settled into a corner. "Well what's your name?"

The man didn't say anything for a few minutes, but he eventually looked up. The man had big and dark eyes, like sin. He had one _long_ scar running down his face. "My name is Dusk."

Madame Sorrows nodded and bent down and sat next to him. "I am Madame Sorrows, but I give you permission to call me China," she said softly and sweetly. "We should _totally _be friends."

Dusk looked up and smiled at her. "I'd love that."

They suddenly both jumped up at the sound of people storming around in the cathedral below them. They were all shouting in indistinct French. Madame Sorrows specifically heard the order to go and find her! She frowned and crossed to the window. She saw Captain Fletcher, the Captain of King Vaurien's Archers. He was climbing up the building slowly, taking his gosh-darned time.

Madame Sorrows leaned out the window. "Hey there, Captain Fletcher!" she shouted to him.

He looked up from his climbing, somehow whipped out a rose from his pocket, and smiled a _dashing_ smile. "Hello, my love! I have come to rescue you! But then I have to go get married!"

"Oh, well that sucks about the getting married thing," Madame Sorrows said, "but thanks for the rescue!"

She turned to find Dusk talking with two little stone monster things. One had a lovely, little fedora on, and the other had a dark pair of sunglasses over his eyes. He was holding a regular conversation with them. He seemed to be asking what to do.

"Hey, so, Dusk," Madame Sorrows began, "sorry, but I have to bail out of here. But, you know, it was awesome meeting you and all. Thanks for letting me stay here for a bit. Sorry for fainting. Anyway, yeah, bye." She grinned wildly and then bounded out the window. She jumped and Captain Fletcher caught her gracefully. They somehow managed to get down to the ground, and he put her on his trusty steed, Professor Grouse. Together, they rode off into the sunset. They didn't really live happily ever after, since Captain Fletcher married a chick named Countess Tanith, and they weren't too pleased. Madame Sorrows was forced to marry a man named Monsieur Bespoke, and she found out that he had a certain…infatuation with…pet cows…

Dusk, however, lived happily, since the French guards had left him alone after they found out that Madame Sorrows wasn't there. He continued his life of bell-ringing and chatting with his gargoyle friends, Sanguine and Skulduggery. They were polar opposites, which made things way more amusing.

And the three of them lived happily ever after in Notre Dame cathedral.


	7. Cinderella

**Fanless** said I should do more Scapegrace and Fletcher things. I did.

I am insane.

* * *

"Hurry up, cretin!" Stepmother China called up the stairs. "We can't have you _lazing_ about all day!"

The aforementioned "cretin" opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling. Fletcherella staggered out of her old bed and groaned as the bruise from when she fell off of a tree from yesterday hit the foot of the bed. Her feet were killing her as well. Her fairy godfather had appeared and created a beautiful ball gown for her, so she could attend the Royal Ball of the Royal Family of Royal Ireland. They all had a fantastic time, and Fletcherella even got to dance with the mysterious prince!

"CRETIN," Stepmother China shouted again.

"Coming!" Fletcherella called. She threw her soot covered clothes on and trudged down the stairs. Her stepmother's two daughters were sitting lazily on the living room couch, each reading a book.

"I want jam on rye," Crystal, the elder of the two, stated.

"And I want jam on wheat," Carol, the younger, said. "And _now_." Carol was the _bossier_ of the two.

Fletcherella hurried into the kitchen where she found her two mouse friends: Ghastly and Gordon.

"Fletcherella!" Gordon squeaked. "I was _so_ worried for you."

"Why were you worried?" Fletcherella asked, busying with the toast requests from her stepsisters.

"You went to that party last night!" Ghastly exclaimed. "We didn't think you'd make it, or someone would find out who you were!"

"Oh please," Fletcherella muttered, "my fairy godfather made me so unrecognizable! You saw my dress and the way she did my hair. I looked absolutely gorgeous." Normally, Fletcherella's hair was put into a braid and hung down her back. But her fairy godfather had taken the braid and played around with it, so all of Fletcherella's beautiful blond hair stood up odd angles. Fletcherella recalled people at the Royal Ball of the Royal Family of Royal Ireland whispered about her, but she was positive it was her dress. _Not_ the hair.

Both of her mice friends nodded, but cringed when Carol and Crystal's voices screeched at Fletcherella to get them their toast. Fletcherella quickly slathered jam on the pieces of bread and handed the two plates to her stepsisters. The two wolfed down the toast quickly, and sent Fletcherella back into the kitchen for seconds.

"Cretin!" Stepmother China shouted. "You need to go out and feed the animals!"

"Yes, Stepmother China!" Fletcherella called back, giving the fresh toast to her stepsiblings and heading out the backdoor with her mouse friend's on her shoulder. Fletcherella's father, Nefarian, had a bunch of random animals, though no one ever knew _why_ he did. But Fletcherella had discovered they could each talk.

"Morning you guys!" she called to the farm animals.

"Hello, Fletcherella," Tanith the Horse said.

"Not so loud, please," Valkyrie the Sheep mumbled.

"Agreed," Kenspeckle the Crotchety Old Dog groaned.

"Good morning, Fletcherella," Skulduggery the Cow said brightly.

"Did you have fun at the Royal Ball of the Royal Family of Royal Ireland last night? When did you get home? We heard a lot of stumbling around," Tanith the Horse said.

"It was a lot of fun," Fletcherella agreed. "I had a great time, and the prince was _super_ cute. He was really funny, but a bit weird. His parents looked really strict."

"Oh, King Finbar and Queen Sharon? Yeah, they're tough. But I hear King Finbar's a little crazed," Skulduggery the Cow answered.

"Where would you hear a rumor like that?" Kenspeckle the Crotchety Old Dog asked sarcastically.

Fletcherella shrugged and set to getting the food for the animals. "But it was still a great time. Everyone looked really great, and my fairy godfather did a marvelous job with my outfit."

"I thank you kindly," said a voice. All the animals made their respective noises, but Fletcherella smiled at the little person sitting on Valkyrie the Sheep's head.

"Fairy Godfather Sanguine, get off of her!" he shouted playfully.

Fairy Godfather gave Valkyrie the Sheep a pat on the head, then hopped down on the dirt and grew to his normal size. "Aw, I was just havin' some fun, Fletcherella," he mumbled. "But I overhear you and Prince What's-His-Face had a great time, last night. Am I right?"

Fletcherella blushed and grabbed the animal food and put some in each of the boxes by their pens. He bent down and gave Kenspeckle the Crotchety Old Dog some wet dog food. All the animals ate quickly, and then continued with the conversation.

Tanith the Horse was about to open her mouth the say something, but Stepmother China's sweet and shrill voice interrupted her. They all looked up to see her leaning out her window.

"Cretin!" she screamed. "The doorbell is ringing! Get it!" Fletcherella nodded and trudged back through the house. Carol and Crystal were waiting by the door. Fletcherella grumbled in her head, wondering why the heck _they_ couldn't get the door, since they were _two_ feet away from it. Fletcherella reached for the doorknob and yanked the door open. The three girls backed away in shock.

There. Standing in front of them was Prince…the Prince!

"Oh, my," Fletcherella mumbled, bowing.

"Hey, you're that girl that was at the party!" Prince Something shouted in excitement.

"What?" Carol demanded. "Fletcherella wasn't at the party last night!"

"No, she totally was," Prince Something said. "I danced with her last night! You sort of had two left feet…" He trailed off.

"Right…Prince…Uh…" Fletcherella could have punched herself in the face. She could probably ask Valkyrie the Sheep to butt her in the head. That'd work.

"Prince Scapegrace," the prince said quietly. "It happens a lot, don't worry. No one really remembers who I am."

"Oh."

"Yep."

"Cretin! Who are you talking to?"

"The prince, Stepmother China!"

They all heard thundering footsteps, and Stepmother China appeared at the stairway and bolted down.

"_Hello_, Prince…uh, Prince. Have you come to seek my daughters for marriage?"

Prince Scapegrace frowned. "Not really. Someone left a tube of lipstick at the party. The initials are F.R. Does anyone know who this would belong to?"

"Me!" Fletcherella exclaimed. "This is my favorite color too!"

Prince Scapegrace nodded and handed her to lipstick. "Would you care to talk a walk with me, Miss…?"

"Fletcherella," she said happily.

"What a _lovely_ name." The two stepped out of the house and took a walk around Royal Ireland. A few months later, Prince Scapegrace married his love, the-now-Princess Fletcherella. They lived in the castle with all of Fletcherella's animal friends. Skulduggery the Cow, Tanith the Horse, Valkyrie the Sheep, Kenspeckle the Crotchety Old Dog, and Ghastly and Gordon the mice all stayed in the Royal Stables.

And they all lived happily ever after, except Stepmother China and her stepdaughters, since they were mean and no one liked them.


	8. Alice in Wonderland

This is semi-based off of a picture of deviantArt, and if you all go into the search box and type in, "Tanith in Wonderland," only one picture should come up, and that's the basis of this.

Soooo yeah. Technically, it's not a fairy tale, but it's magical enough in my books.

And dude. Show of hands who loved Tim Burton's version of this!

* * *

Tanith Low growled and took a small step onto the lush grass. She grimaced as her black Mary Jane shoes and her white stockings were splattered with mud. Her light blue dress and pristine white apron were kept clean, however.

"Do you not see it!" shouted a voice. "It looks positively distraught, the poor thing."

"I wonder if it would care for tea," another voice mused. "It looks like it could use some. Do you think it would want tea?"

"Do I think so? Do I think at all? My answer is no, and I _frankly_ couldn't care less for it and it's tea wanting. It may go crawl down a rabbit's hole!"

"Excuse me!" Tanith said, barging through a few hedges to find the mysterious talkers. She gasped and took in her surroundings. There was a dark red table cloth atop a very long table, and there were probably around two dozen chairs set around it. Each chair was a different color and design. Two people, or rather, creatures, sat in two chairs next to each other. At every spot was a teapot with a teacup to match. There were little cakes and biscuits, and suddenly, Tanith felt hungry.

"Excuse you for what?" shouted one person. Tanith was utterly dumbfounded to find they were a skeleton, but with about ten pounds of makeup on. They had bright red blush, green eye shadow around their eye sockets, and their visible teeth were blue. They also wore a huge hat, and a bright purple wig stuck out from under it.

"Who are you?"

"Excuse you for who are you? Tell me, does that make sense in your world, little it? I sure don't believe it makes sense in our world," said the skeleton.

"Nevermind about that," Tanith said and waved her hand dismissively. "I'm Tanith Low. Who are you two?"

The skeleton stood up dramatically, and Tanith saw he was wearing a bright colored and mismatched suit. "I am Skulduggery the Mad Hatter, who is also a detective. I tell people to call me Detective Skulduggery the Mad Hatter, but no one listens."

"They're just blinded by your suit, stupid," said the other person. It was obvious they were a girl, with their pretty eyes and long dark hair. She had a soft face, but it was covered with dark smudges. Her nose was small and cute, and it kept wiggling. On her head were bunny ears. "I'm Valkyrie the March Hare, and I have no special title, so my name is simpler and easier than his."

"I take offense to that!" shouted Skulduggery the Mad Hatter as he picked up a teapot and hurled it in Tanith's direction. "Don't, however, take offense to that, Tanith Low, since that was intended for Fletcher the Dormouse.

"You're so…me…mean…to…" a quiet voice said, but it trailed off as a little blond colored mouse came to rest on the table.

"That's Fletcher the Dormouse," Valkyrie the March Hare said, pointing to the sleeping creature.

"I could tell," Tanith replied. "Did you by any chance see the White Rabbit run by here?"

"RABBIT?" screamed Valkyrie the March Hare. "IF I SEE THAT WHITE TAILED JERK I'LL BASH HIS HEAD IN."

"QUIET VALKYRIE," Skulduggery the Mad Hatter screamed back. "YOU'LL WAKE UP FLETCHER THE DORMOUSE. THOUGH WE DON'T CARE FOR HIM, HE STILL NEEDS SLEEP."

"THERE HE GOES," Valkyrie the March Hare shrieked and pointed to the hedge. Tanith turned and saw the poor White Rabbit scamper across, his giant golden watch flailing behind him. His face was tired, and covered in scars. Valkyrie the March Hare grabbed the nearest tea pot and threw it as hard as she could at the little rabbit, and he only ran faster.

"I'M SORRY FOR ALMOST HITTING YOU," Valkyrie yelled at Tanith, who was ducked down on the ground. "IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW, I WAS AIMING FOR THE WHITE RABBIT. THAT BUSHY TAILED JERK."

"STOP YELLING!" Fletcher the Dormouse screamed after awakening from his slumber. "I WAS SLEEPING FOR GOD'S SAKE."

"Sorry…" Skulduggery the Mad Hatter muttered, picking up the Dormouse and placing him gently in a teapot. "Now, Tanith, tea?" He looked up in search of "it," but he couldn't find it. It seemed to run off. "LOOK WHAT YOU DID, VALKYRIE. YOU MADE IT RUN OFF."

"NOT MY FAULT, SKULDUGGERY." The two continued screamed until their voices went hoarse, but then they took to throwing teapots and teacups at each other.

Meanwhile, Tanith Low was running away from the crazy, screeching tea party and she ended up in a mysterious forest. She stopped when she came across a huge and thick smoke cloud. She coughed and waved it away.

"I beg your pardon," a voice said," but do ya mind? I'm smokin' here. It's important to me. I can't live without my smokin'. I _need _my smokin'."

Tanith shrugged and plunged into the smoke cloud. "I'm sorry, sir, but I didn't know."

"You sound pretty," the voice said. "Where are you at? I can't see ya. Girly girl, come on out!" A giant blue hand reached through the smoke cloud and yanked Tanith's arm. She was lifted into the air and she was dropped onto a soft pillow. Tanith, upon closer examination, realized she was sitting on a flower. She looked at the blue man beside her. He had a blue suit on, with a blue hat to match. His skin was sky blue, and yet, his hair was light blond. He had black sunglasses on, and he was holding a huge and hot cigarette in his hands.

"I was right!" he shouted in triumph. "You _are_ pretty!"

"Thank you, sir," Tanith said. "Do you by any chance know where the White Rabbit went?"

"Ah, he's borin' and stupid. You could be with me instead!"

"Yes, well, I need to see him and ask what he's late for."

"That's really stupid."

"Well sorry to disappoint!"

The blue man sighed in frustration and blew out smoke. The smoke formed into a giant arrow that traveled to the west. "That dumb animal when that way," he said lazily and he reached and pushed off the flower and she landed on the ground. The smoke arrow was slowly dissipating, so she jumped up and chased after it.

As she was running, a furry creature appeared on a tree branch. Tanith realized that it was a cat.

"What are you running for, when you can just teleport everywhere?" the cat asked cheekily, disappearing, and reappearing on Tanith's shoulder. He was a light blond color, with wide eyes. On his head, his fur stuck up in extremely strange angles. "I'm Fletcher Cat," he said and held out a paw for Tanith.

She smiled graciously. "Lovely meeting you. I'm Tanith Low."

"Marvelous!" Fletcher Cat exclaimed, disappearing suddenly in a huge puff of smoke. Tanith stopped suddenly when she realized she lost sight of the smoke arrow. She whined and whimpered, but suddenly stopped when she heard trumpets blaring and people yelling and screaming.

Tanith charged through some hedges and came straight into a game of croquet. In this game, a woman with a huge dress had a black stick that had shadows swirling around it. She hit a small little animal that was curled up like a ball. The animal screeched as it went soaring through the air. Everyone surrounding the woman all cheered and clapped.

"Marvelous, your majesty!" a slimy sounding voice said. Tanith saw it was a man with shiny red gloves who said this.

"Simply stupendous," another man said. He was normal looking, albeit exceedingly pale and dressed completely in black.

"I know, I know," the woman said. She was very beautiful, with long and flowing black hair.

"Your majesty!" said a squeaky voice. Tanith instantly knew it was the White Rabbit. "Fletcher Cat has somehow gotten in here!"

"OFF WITH HIS GOOFY HAIR!" the woman screamed, tossing the cane to the dark dressed man, who grabbed it gracefully. The hoisted up her huge dress and stalked away. Tanith remained by the hedges, completely dumbfounded. Fletcher Cat appeared next to her, licking his paw.

"Actually, you know what, screw this," Tanith mumbled, disappearing into the hedges.

* * *

"OH MY GOD CRAZY DREAM," Tanith screamed, snapping up from the couch she was sleeping on.

Valkyrie looked over at her. "What happened?"

"I was in Wonderland, from Alice in Wonderland."

"Ha, that's weird."

"Has anyone seen my fake whiskers?" Fletcher asked, waltzing into the room with cat ears stuck to his head. Tanith grimaced and threw a pillow at him. Fletcher hissed like a cat and scampered off.

And they lived as happily ever after someone who associates with Fletcher Renn can.


	9. Snow, Uh, Valkyrie

Bathroom idea!

I pretty much lost interest in writing these little things, but now I've lost interest in writing everything else I've got, so I decided I'd start up with these again.

Yeeep.

OKAY.

Everyone, look to your right. To your right is the happy world. Everyone, look to your left. To your left is the unhappy Mortal Coil world. Pretty much everything I write EVER will have NOTHING to do with the left world. The left world sucks.

* * *

"Master!" a man howled, stepping back as sharp, finely manicured nails swiped at his face.

"Quiet, you loser," the Master replied.

"I-I'm sorry! I just thought…maybe you should get over yourself or something!"

Master Caelan turned to his cowering servant, Thrasher. "I will not _get over myself_," he said darkly. "Only when Princess Valkyrie is MINE will I finally be happy. Now go! I don't want to see your face! Or your ear that fell off over in the corner! I want you gone, and I want Princess Valkyrie placed under this spell! Come back when you're done."

"I thought you said you didn't want to see me again…" Thrasher whispered, taking the book that Master Caelan threw at him.

"Oh shut up," Master Caelan snarled. "Go!"

Thrasher bowed, picked up his ear, and scrambled out of the dark and dreary room. Master Caelan sniffed and _hmph_ed. He strode over to his vanity, sitting daintily on the cushioned stool. He rested his chin on his hand and sighed. He looked deep into the mirror at his vanity and closed his eyes and breathed deeply. When Master Caelan opened his eyes, he saw the familiar face in the mirror.

"I hate you," the mirror said.

"I know, Gordon, but I have you trapped in this mirror, so you can't do anything about it," Master Caelan replied. "Now, I want you to show me Princess Valkyrie."

Gordon huffed angrily and his face disappeared from the mirror. It was replaced with a dark and shadowed forest. Indeed, Princess Valkyrie was lying near a bush, her navy blue gown torn in various places. A leaf blew over her face. Then a squirrel came up and sniffed her. And then he threw a nut at her, but whatever.

Master Caelan gasped in horror and knocked over a tube of blood red lipstick. A small creature had approached Princess Valkyrie. It was poking her in the face repeatedly. She awoke slowly, groaning as she picked a stick from her hair. Master Caelan was once again transfixed with her beauty. The creature patted her shoulder and tried helping her up, but she was considerably taller than it. The creature reached up and held onto her hand, leading her away from the scene.

"Oh God!" Master Caelan screamed, throwing himself on the floor. "My lipstick!" he picked the tube back up, and then proceeded to throw around a few stuffed animals and porcelain unicorns in rage. "Who was that? What was that? Princess Valkyrie!" he kept shouting. "What will happen to my beloved?"

* * *

Well, I'll tell you, readers.

* * *

Princess Valkyrie let herself be dragged into a small cottage.

"Everyone!" the creature called out. "We have a guest! She's pretty! Y'know, in case you were wondering or something!"

Princess Valkyrie looked around the cottage. It had a dark wooden floor, baby blue wallpaper, some crayon scribblings in the corner, an old and tattered couch, and a bucket full of murky water. Lovely.

"Wow!"

"I bet she smells nice!"

"Neato!"

"That's so cool!"

"Where did you find her?"

"I bet you drugged her!"

The creature sighed and let go of Princess Valkyrie's hand. She smiled as six more little creatures came down from some stairs.

"What is your name?" the little creature who found her asked.

"Princess Valkyrie," she replied, bending down to shake his hand.

"I'm Skulduggery," he said.

"I'm Smelly!"

"I'm Decay-y!"

"I'm Horribly!"

"I'm Nasty!"

"I'm Gnarly!"

"And I'm Death-y!"

Princess Valkyrie smiled at the small creatures, noticing their blue and slightly translucent skin. Their clothes were all a bit tattered, and she noticed that Horribly had a pack of crayons sticking out of his shirt pocket.

"What exactly are you, little ones?" she asked sweetly, bending down to their levels.

"The Latin term is _Dwarfus Zombieus_, but we just like to think that we're demons. At least some days. Other days we're vampires, but normally we're just dwarf zombies."

Princess Valkyrie nodded. "Well how lovely!" she exclaimed, clapping her hands together happily. "We're going to be great friends, I just know it!"

The dwarves exchanged looks with each other. "Well…" Nasty said, "wouldn't you rather get home?"

"Oh no!" Princess Valkyrie said, horrified. "I was driven away from my home from an evil man! He's ever so dastardly and continues to come up with evil plots to get rid of me!"

"He doesn't sound very nice," Skulduggery grunted.

"Oh no, he's actually totally in love with me," Princess Valkyrie explained. "He's just _such_ a conflicted soul and has _such _a tragic past! I really _do_ pity him."

The dwarf zombies all stared at her. "Well…that's nice," Gnarly said slowly.

Princess Valkyrie just beamed back at them all.

* * *

Months passed.

A few days passed, too.

Princess Valkyrie settled into her new life as the overall nanny to the dwarf zombies. The dwarf zombies really liked her, Skulduggery and Smelly especially.

However, Master Caelan was becoming increasingly impatient with all of Trasher's EPIC FAILS. Master Caelan had to constantly repeat himself so that Thrasher would hear him and understand him. His ears had fallen off. Now he wore them as a necklace. It was really gross.

"Alright, fine!" Master Caelan suddenly shouted. Gordon and Thrasher stared at him. "Since you, Thrasher, continue to fail at everything I tell you to do, _I'll_ just have to take care of Princess Valkyrie myself!"

"What are you going to do?" Thrasher asked as Master Caelan applied some more eyeliner and fluffed up his hair. He puckered up his lips and smiled at his _gorgeous_ reflection.

"I'm going to poison her!"

"I…I thought you wanted to marry her…"

"Well…Shut up!" Master Caelan snarled and stormed out of the dark room. He threw on his cloak and grabbed a box of rat poisoning.

This was going to be SO awesome.

* * *

Princess Valkyrie skipped happily to answer the door to the cottage. Someone had been knocking on it for a while.

"Hello there!" she said joyously. She gasped when she realized it was Master Caelan standing before her.

"Good morning, Princess Valkyrie," he said silkily. He held out a rectangular box from behind his back. It had a piece of paper on the front saying, "Fruity Loops and Sugar and Honey and Chocolate!"

"Oh! Did you bring me cereal?"

"I did. It's a sign of my affections."

Princess Valkyrie took the box and instantly opened the top and pouring a large helping into her mouth.

"Ohhhhh…" she suddenly moaned, dropping the box of rat poisoning (OMG NO WAI) in shock. "You…you big meanie!"

Master Caelan stood back, aghast at the accusation. "Excuuuse me, Princess!" He sniffed haughtily and quickly strode out of the cottage.

* * *

THE END.

Wait, just kidding.

* * *

The seven zombie dwarves heard a galloping horse a little way over. They all sighed and turned to the impractical glass coffin laid out before them. Daises and orchids were laid all around Princess Valkyrie's body. She looked peaceful and like she was sleeping. The zombie dwarves all sighed again. This sucked.

"Hello!" a voice called from afar. "What are you little creatures doing?" they asked good-naturedly.

Gnarly turned around and "shhhed" the person. He saw that it was a man, dressed in pale blue and white, riding a gray horse. He looked regal.

"This is a funeral," Skulduggery said as the man came to kneel next to him. "Please, continue to disrespect the dead."

"O-Oh. I, uh, didn't mean to. Who is woman? She's extraordinarily beautiful."

"Princess Valkyrie," Smelly answered.

"Princess? Oh, she must be the missing one! They've been searching for her for months!"

"Are you a subject of hers?"

"No, I'm Prince Fletcher. I live right over in that giant castle."

He pointed to the right, and the zombie dwarves noticed the white castle for the first time.

"How could we always miss that…?" Horribly asked.

Decay-y shrugged. "Beats me."

"Anyway," Prince Fletcher said, "I should probably go tell the kingdom that I found Princess Valkyrie dead."

"Aren't you going to kiss her?"

"Ew, that's necrophilia, and that's _gross_."

"But you're _supposed_ to!"

"Fine!" Prince Fletcher grumbled and bent down to the coffin. He lifted the impractical glass top and leaned down to kiss her swiftly on her rosy lips. Instantly, her eyes snapped open, and she smiled.

"Rat poisoning is not a very tasty snack," she said. "Alright, you woke me up. We should get married, yes?"

"Yeah," Prince Fletcher shrugged, "I guess we should. We barely know each other, but who cares?"

So Prince Fletcher picked up Princess Valkyrie and hoisted her onto his lovely horse. Her dwarf zombie friends all followed them back to Prince Fletcher's castle.

And they all lived happily ever after, except for Master Caelan because he's a jerk and no one likes him.

* * *

Ahh, I had some fun with this :)

Ha! Do you see how I portrayed Caelan! THAT'S BECAUSE I HATE HIS GUTS WITH SUCH FEROCITY. I'VE NEVER HATED ANYONE MORE. HE. NEEDS. TO. DIE. IN. FIRES.


End file.
